This isn’t going to be another “I’m going through the same thing as you are, you’re not alone” crap. This is based entirely on a recent realization of mine.
Almost my entire life, I have searched for one thing. And that one thing is acceptance. I looked for it everywhere. I tried multiple personas to see which one fits me the best. And to tell you the truth not one of them came close to it.
I moved around a lot as a kid, and as doing so I just wanted people to see me for who I was. I transferred to my current high school this year because I realized something about my so called “friends” that I had been denying for a long time.
The way I look at life is like a puzzle. And everywhere you go, and the people in your life(i.e. friends, family, peers, ect.), make up that puzzle of who you are. Now some of you may be thinking that no one makes you be you, except for you. That is true, however, everything that’s happened in your life has helped to shape you into the person you are today.
For me this was a crap load of pain, back stabbing friends, bullies, more moves than I can count, and constant suicide thoughts. Then I came to a realization that because most of these things happened to me by ‘boys’, I was phelophobic, the fear of falling in or being in love. However in recent years I found out, and say proudly, I’m bisexual. So being a phelophobe, and taking my sexuality into account, I pretty much was closed off to everyone.
September of 2013 I entered the doors of my new school, and after a couple of days I found myself forgetting about depression, and not even thinking about suicide. Yes, until I actually made solid friends I was still clinging to my old ones via text messages. But after a while I realized I hadn’t contacted any of my friends from my old school in a long time.
I got involved with a few school activities, made more friends, and built a pretty solid reputation so far.
But something happened today that really made me think like this, and make me want to share with you guys(normally I do not do this, but what the hell?).
As many of you know, today is February 14, Valentines day. And I came to school really early(Mom gave me a ride), so I was in the front lobby of the school, and I was about to head upstairs, and then a girl who was on the rugby team(I went to the first practice cause I wanted to go on the team, if you want to know more about that and my plan, comment about it and I’ll tell you), and she asked me if I was going to the next practice. I explained to her what I was going to do.
She understood and we talked as we walked. And then we got onto different subjects, and this and that. And we had a lot in common.
Well, long story short, I finally realized what I was missing before hand. At my old school, It didn’t fit into my puzzle. Not matter what I tried.
I tried turning it, I tried moving pieces, I tried making my puzzle fit that piece, and NOTHING!!!
The school didn’t fit me, my friends weren’t really compatible with me. And now I’m where I am, and I realize I’m where I belong.
I have friends, I have people I can share deep dark secrets with that I, myself, have been denying, and not get judged for it. I have shoulders to cry on, I have people to lean on. I have almost everything a girl could ever ask for. I mean, they actually listen to me, and we help each other out a lot.
I’m hardly going on 16, and in my puzzle of life so far, I’ve found pieces that can’t hope to fit, pieces that fit too easily, pieces I didn’t want to fit but did. And I have really only one thing to say about it all: my puzzle is still growing, and I don’t know when it’s going to be done, but I do know I’ll be open to every piece that comes in.
So to end this off I’d like to propose a challenge to all of you.
Make a list of everything that’s happened in your life that you think has shaped you to be you. Think of everything, school, friends, family, jobs, ex’s, currents, any experiences you’ve had. Then make them BOLD, type them up in fancy fonts, grab some sharpies, or if you can cut up some magazines. Then make them into a collage, and put it somewhere you’ll see every day. And when you look at it, even if you don’t realize it, it can help you realize the obstacles you’ve over came, the good things you have, and get you looking forward to what might come next.
Don’t stop at just my ideas either, add pictures, make a song, maybe post you collage up as your computer wall paper. But it’s an idea I thought you guys might want for yourselves, I have one of these hanging next to my door too. If you want, send me a pic to my e-mail, I’ll leave it below again.
And please remember something, don’t try and make something fit if it doesn’t feel right.