You know _____________ when. . .

Hello, my loyal readers, I really need to find a name to call you guys by so I’m not always saying viewers or readers. Anyway, not the point!

I know I haven’t really posted anything in the last little while, and so many of you are waiting on my next chapters in one of my many half completed stories. But this is not one of these posts.

I’m in high school right now, eleventh grade, next year I will be a senior and graduating. And I just kinda realized this. I’m sixteen. And maybe this is because of the society in the western world or the school I’m going to along with the courses I’m taking.

The other day my entire grade went to a career/post-secondary fair thing. And we got to walk around and check out all these schools that we can go to after we graduate. And I picked up a lot of stuff, I mean not all of it was really for me(school style, they weren’t for me and what I want to be doing, I didn’t steal anything), but I did pick up quite a few brochures and stuff. And it was actually at like the very end of the time that my school was there, that my friends and I found this booth that actually had things that I was interested in. And the person was really nice. And basically that one booth is kinda what I wanna gear towards for my career.

I got an e-mail from the lady last night, basically saying that I can come to her with any questions of the program and she’s here to help me and all that. And I e-mailed her after I was all done with my homework. I basically told her what I thought about the program, told her I did some research of my own about it, and I did ask one question. And she will be getting back to me within the next few days, so we’ll see where this goes.

Anyway, I had a test today, I have a test tomorrow, I have projects to do left right and center, I have homework to do, and I have things I need to keep up with. And I need to think now what I wanna be(I know what I wanna be), and where I wanna go, and we have to enroll in all these courses in highschool to get places we wanna be.

And for next year, I need to do some serious kissing up to my counselors and principals to get into somethings. I need law 11 and 12, and I wanna try for phychology 11 and 12. And we’ll see where that gets me. Bright side is I have really nice councilors that actually want me to succeed, so, I think if I explain that to them they’ll help me out.

I’m straying a little from the actual point of this blog post, anyway.

I sent this lady and e-mail. And while I was writing it, it dawned on me.

I am sixteen years old. I am in the eleventh grade. I will be going into the twelfth grade in nine months. And then I’m graduating. And then I’m going to post-secondary. And then I’m all grown up.

. . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I’M A FREAKING KID GROWING UP AT SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But Torri, you need to grow up sometime and at sixteen you’re well on your way to becoming an adult.

That’s what you sound like.

Yes, but the majority of my readers(still need to find a name for you guys), are either grown up, like adults, or are teens just like me and reality is about to hit them hard.

I wanna procrastinate and just watch youtube videos and sleep in and do nothing for a day! But I can’t do that anymore because I get a shit load of homework at the end of every school day that I need to get done, I have projects I need to research for, and come September next year; you people will be lucky if you get one single post from me per month.

The sheer amount of bursaries and scholarships I’m going to apply for, not to mention homework, volunteer hours, work experience and the fact I need about seven and a half hours of sleep to function properly, things aren’t going to be going that well.

Now I know I may seem like I’m blowing this out of proportion, and I can kinda see that, but look at it through my eyes for a second. You are sixteen, back in high school(oh God, not again), you are overflowing with homework, tests, projects, friend stuff, and then all of a sudden you need to know what you wanna do when you get out of high school and know what school you wanna go to, you need to apply for bursaries and scholarships like it’s no one’s business( either that or win the lottery), and then you’re all grown up and on your own.

This shit’s scary. And I just might have to either lock my computer for several hours out of the day, or for certain periods give it to my mom or something so I’m not distracted by it and can work on all the stuff that’s going to piling up around me.

I know I kinda am blowing this all up at least a little bit, but it’s scary to me to think of. And I have to think of it. And I haven’t exactly posted anything lately, and I kinda created this blog so I could get out some of the emotion that I’ve had manifesting inside me forever. I figured you guys probably wanted to know I’m still alive.

Well, now that I have all that off my chest, I have a question for you guys.

This is far different from my ‘How Do You?’ thing, which you should check out by the way, what do you think you, my readers, should be called. I don’t really like using the term ‘readers’ all the time, and it gets really repetitive to me. If you have any ideas leave them in the comments, and I think, ’cause it’s December, on the 24th I’ll post which name I think is the best and I will call you guys that when I do a thing like this again. It’s probably going to be fairly soon seeing as how much emotions I’ve had manifesting inside me so far, so. See you after I’ve had my next melt down, whenever that is, or when I pick the name winner. Whichever comes first you know.


This isn’t going to be another “I’m going through the same thing as you are, you’re not alone” crap. This is based entirely on a recent realization of mine.

Almost my entire life, I have searched for one thing. And that one thing is acceptance. I looked for it everywhere. I tried multiple personas to see which one fits me the best. And to tell you the truth not one of them came close to it.

I moved around a lot as a kid, and as doing so I just wanted people to see me for who I was. I transferred to my current high school this year because I realized something about my so called “friends” that I had been denying for a long time.

The way I look at life is like a puzzle. And everywhere you go, and the people in your life(i.e. friends, family, peers, ect.), make up that puzzle of who you are. Now some of you may be thinking that no one makes you be you, except for you. That is true, however, everything that’s happened in your life has helped to shape you into the person you are today.

For me this was a crap load of pain, back stabbing friends, bullies, more moves than I can count, and constant suicide thoughts. Then I came to a realization that because most of these things happened to me by ‘boys’, I was phelophobic, the fear of falling in or being in love. However in recent years I found out, and say proudly, I’m bisexual. So being a phelophobe, and taking my sexuality into account, I pretty much was closed off to everyone.

September of 2013 I entered the doors of my new school, and after a couple of days I found myself forgetting about depression, and not even thinking about suicide. Yes, until I actually made solid friends I was still clinging to my old ones via text messages. But after a while I realized I hadn’t contacted any of my friends from my old school in a long time.

I got involved with a few school activities, made more friends, and built a pretty solid reputation so far.

But something happened today that really made me think like this, and make me want to share with you guys(normally I do not do this, but what the hell?).

As many of you know, today is February 14, Valentines day. And I came to school really early(Mom gave me a ride), so I was in the front lobby of the school, and I was about to head upstairs, and then a girl who was on the rugby team(I went to the first practice cause I wanted to go on the team, if you want to know more about that and my plan, comment about it and I’ll tell you), and she asked me if I was going to the next practice. I explained to her what I was going to do.

She understood and we talked as we walked. And then we got onto different subjects, and this and that. And we had a lot in common.

Well, long story short, I finally realized what I was missing before hand. At my old school, It didn’t fit into my puzzle. Not matter what I tried.

I tried turning it, I tried moving pieces, I tried making my puzzle fit that piece, and NOTHING!!!

The school didn’t fit me, my friends weren’t really compatible with me. And now I’m where I am, and I realize I’m where I belong.

I have friends, I have people I can share deep dark secrets with that I, myself, have been denying, and not get judged for it. I have shoulders to cry on, I have people to lean on. I have almost everything a girl could ever ask for. I mean, they actually listen to me, and we help each other out a lot.

I’m hardly going on 16, and in my puzzle of life so far, I’ve found pieces that can’t hope to fit, pieces that fit too easily, pieces I didn’t want to fit but did. And I have really only one thing to say about it all: my puzzle is still growing, and I don’t know when it’s going to be done, but I do know I’ll be open to every piece that comes in.

So to end this off I’d like to propose a challenge to all of you.

Make a list of everything that’s happened in your life that you think has shaped you to be you. Think of everything, school, friends, family, jobs, ex’s, currents, any experiences you’ve had. Then make them BOLD, type them up in fancy fonts, grab some sharpies, or if you can cut up some magazines. Then make them into a collage, and put it somewhere you’ll see every day. And when you look at it, even if you don’t realize it, it can help you realize the obstacles you’ve over came, the good things you have, and get you looking forward to what might come next.

Don’t stop at just my ideas either, add pictures, make a song, maybe post you collage up as your computer wall paper. But it’s an idea I thought you guys might want for yourselves, I have one of these hanging next to my door too. If you want, send me a pic to my e-mail, I’ll leave it below again.

And please remember something, don’t try and make something fit if it doesn’t feel right.

Rant #1

I was right, I was going to post another thing on right after the last one. And I wasn’t even planning on it. As the title says this will be a rant. And because of this rant, it will all be my opinion. I’ll probably do a few of these though, but anyway I need to vent.

I am in the tenth grade of high school. I am also in a couple of honours classes(An honours class is an academic class that’s a little harder, and challenges you more then other courses), this semester I am in honours English. Next semester it’ll be honours social studies.

Now right now we’re still on Christmas break, and being on Christmas break means we don’t go to school for about two weeks or so. And my English teacher decided to give us a book for our novel study unit to read over the break, as well questions to answer, and a booklet to work on.

Over the two weeks I have cleaned a large portion of my house about three times, and have wasted a small portion of the first few days before Christmas playing Pokemon heart gold. I’ve been trying to raise my Pokemon’s level to match that of the last gym leader’s but it’s not working to well, and I’ve gone back to the gym a lot.

Anyways, I wouldn’t really mind this if the book was one I hadn’t already read, or it was an independent novel study. But I read ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ I think two or so summers ago. I like the book, but it took me almost a month straight of reading it to finish it. I need to finish it, but as of lately. Actually as of I got this break from school, my brain hasn’t been functioning very well, and I swear my house has been hit by sloth(One of the seven deadly sins if you know anything about it, if not it’s basically when you don’t want to do anything and you think even standing up is bothersome).

I know I should be happy that I can actually go to school, and learn, and get a good education, and there are a lot of people over seas in other countries that would kill to be in my place, but seriously! Who assigns homework over a break? I understand if a student is far behind on work, or if you give them a worksheet, or tell them to watch this movie and take a few notes on it, or there’s going to be a test when you get back, or something!

But a thick novel, almost 150 questions on the novel, quotes to do, and I still have some math I need to do aswell. This one I can understand. I e-mail my math teacher, he sends me the question sheet, I do it, I take a picture and send it to him to get the answer key, that’s fair. That’s one worksheet, with an alternative I can, and did, do.

*sigh*Well thanks for listening to me rant out about God knows what. I’ll post something when I get over writers block.